DEAR DR. JENN,
I know they say it’s better to give than receive, but when it comes to giving in the bedroom… I don’t really know how to get into the act of performing oral sex. How do I know if I’m even doing a good job or if my partner is enjoying themselves? —Mouthful
Whether your partner is yin or yang, there are certain approaches that are applicable to everyone when it comes to giving great head. Like many sex techniques, giving oral pleasure starts with feeling free in the moment and enjoying yourselves together. So I’m not going to waste your time giving a physical step-by-step, or oral sex tips that you could basically get from watching porn. Instead, read on for a mental how-to, or an emotional checklist to make sure that your trip downtown is fruitful and successful, by all counts.
1. Be enthusiastic.
Nobody wants to feel like the person between their legs is bored, grossed out, or just not that into it. We all want to feel like our lover just loves our junk and is eating us up enthusiastically. A little moaning goes a long way. Even though your mouth is full, making sounds of appreciation can make your partner feel connected and sexy.
2. Tune in.
You can have the greatest oral sex technique on the planet, but unless you tune in to your partner and become an expert in his or her particular arousal patterns and preferences, you will not be a great lover. Everybody — and every body — is different. Most people make assumptions about what their partner will like based on what their previous partners have liked, what they think men and women like in general, and what they prefer themselves. But tuning in to your partner involves talking to them about what they want out of their sex life. Ask your partner questions, in and out of bed, to find out what they like and don’t like, what their fantasies are, and how they like to be touched. Use your partner’s feedback to create an earth-shattering oral experience.
3. Don’t be a one-trick pony.
Vary your moves. Try to be unexpected with your touch. Challenge yourself to touch your partner in a new way every time you have sexual contact. Experiment with different pressures, using different parts of your hands or nails, props, different combinations of touch, or using saliva or lubricant in places you haven’t touched before. Instead of making a straight line, try a less predictable zigzag. Remember that rumor from high school about spelling their name with your tongue? Yeah, try that — why not?
4. Be a student.
We want sex to be effortless and instinctual. We want to be able to give and receive orgasms without textbooks or instructions. But the truth is that great sex lives take effort and energy. Study anatomy and technique. Most people are not born knowing how to perfectly locate a G-spot, understanding how to give a great prostate massage, knowing the best way to deep-throat without hitting that gag reflex, or having any idea what a U-spot is. Get the information — from books, blogs, YouTube, or wherever you’re comfortable looking — and use it all to your oral advantage.
5. Be a voyeur.
Everyone has “go-to” methods to get themselves off. Knowing what that method is allows you to see the nuances of what works for him or her and allows you to replicate this with your tongue, hands, or anything else you use during oral.
6. Use foreplay.
Most people think of oral sex as foreplay. Sometimes it is the main course. In order to get your lover in the mood to have their mind, or something else, blown, you want to gradually turn up the heat until they can’t take it any longer. Tease, seduce, take your time getting there. And if it is the precursor to something else? Well, that’s all the better for the both of you.
7. Incorporate sex toys.
You are not limited to the use of your mouth, tongue, and hands. Combining oral with toys like prostate stimulators, vibrators, clitoral suction devices or cock rings takes it up to a whole other level. Lube can enhance the whole experience for everyone involved. If you are apprehensive about the smell or taste of your partner’s genitalia (or your own!) try bringing some flavored lube. (But also, get over it.)
8. Try different positions.
We tend to think of kneeling to give a blow job and lying down to go down on a woman. Traditional sex positions may not be ideal for the two of you. Shake it up! Try new positions and angles. Keep in mind, you are probably going to be there for a while; make sure you are comfortable, so you can go the distance!
9. Get messy.
Once you have taken precautions regarding your partner’s STI status and monogamy, you can get messy. No man shooting his load and no woman who is letting juices flow wants to see their partner freaked out and running out of the room. Sex is messy, and embracing that helps the recipient feel accepted and comfortable enough to let themselves go.
Approach the deed with enthusiasm, openness, and curiosity and you will both have an amazing experience.